SENSITIVE

I wish I was less sensitive. I wish I could "grow thicker skin." I'm one of those people who takes things very personally. I'm one of those people who, even though I am mad, will blubber and cry. I'm one of those people who has a fairly good vocabulary and can speak with no trouble, until I am upset or mad. Then I just clam up and say the most stupid things. THAT makes me angry, which makes me cry more. ARGGH.

Today I had two things upset me, probably more than they should have.

First, a Freecycle member left, and had some snarky things to say, that I felt were uncalled for. I thanked her for her remarks and tried to get her to give me more information so I could help her understand why things are the way they are, and she basically dismissed me. She also corrected my grammar! (She was right, but STILL! LOL). It upset me though because to me, her perception is totally wrong. I thought if she could give me some specific information, then I'd be able to say, "This is why..." I guess it's HER issue, not mine. But I still take it very personally when people diss Freecycle, when I work so hard to make things right.

I also had a situation with someone today that has been blown out of proportion. I feel like no matter what happens she will not believe me. I have felt this way before with her. I have felt disappointed and let down by this person in the past year, but I have let it go because I love her, and I didn't want it to impact our relationship.

All morning I obsessed about these two things, letting them eat away at me. But I also found something interesting: I was checking out at (the big box store which I forget that I never want to shop in), and I offered to put away something I had retrieved. The clerk gave me a big smile and said, "Oh no, you fine, it's OK." And I said, "Are you sure? I'd be happy to put it back." She smiled again and thanked me. It seemed as if she hadn't received that courtesy before. It made me feel good. Such a simple, seemingly meaningless thing, made me feel good and forget about my negative obsessions.

I also felt good when I was leaving Staples and made the effort to take my cart back inside, in spite of the snowy parking lot. Again, such a simple stupid thing ... but it got me thinking.

I do good things most of the time. I believe I am a good person. I put away grocery carts. I say please and thank you. I pick things up when others drop them. I hold doors open for people. I talk to cashiers and clerks. I smile at people. In my neighborhood, I wave to the mailman, the bus driver, the UPS guy, the park district workers. I leave treats for my mailman year-round.

I'm not trying to say that I'm the most perfect wonderful person in the world - far from it. But I am a genuinely nice person!

I am sensitive. I suppose if I were insensitive, I wouldn't be the person I am today. So even though I'd like to have thicker skin, and cry a little less "over spilt milk," I'm suppose I am glad to be who I am.

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10:17 PM CDT After reading this again, I don't really like the way it came out. I think it sounds a little too self-serving, and doesn't show how upset I felt or how I was trying to say that doing nice things for people made me feel better, and made me forget about the dregs of the day. Maybe I did. I am not sure. I'll leave it up because ... it is what it is.